All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Things will get butter, keep churning
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball