All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
A bold strategy
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.