A bold strategy
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Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.