I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Catering service
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Every work call, he judges.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*