Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
ACED my prostate exam!
6. me as a lawyer
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
this is so top tier i cant
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*