My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite