facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Finally a use for spoilers…
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.