LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?