Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.