Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”