“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
subtitles are so good nowadays
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.