[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me hitting on a model
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”