If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
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[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.