Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Truth
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple