the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
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That earthquake could have been an email.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.