an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Holy moly
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick