It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit