A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”