@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

@Fulkery1

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

@BriEsquire

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@TheHyyyype

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@CoreyKeyz

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.