Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.