You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
i choose….tongue
![]()
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Interior design 👌
![]()