You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.