I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP