Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
How long do you have to wait between naps?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Peter Parker Peter Driver