Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
HELP 😭
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.