Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.