What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”