[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
This hospital has everything
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!