Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
![]()
You Might Also Like
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
![]()
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.