When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.