Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
<—- homeless romantic
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread