Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Welcome to the stomach
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.