VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?