The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset