15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*