I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I don’t get marriage
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.