[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.