To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody