Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?