*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
You Might Also Like
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered