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6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.