-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
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When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.