Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery