imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
You Might Also Like
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone