6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
every single time
[eats all your cotton candy]
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet