@Chhapiness

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

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@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

@

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

@skedaddle74

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

@Clanopath

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@bridger_w

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

@sixfootcandy

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.