The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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every college guy’s fridge
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.