There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring