I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.