[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
describing stardew valley
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.