[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.