coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
How to properly lift a body
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I like long walks away from everyone
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god