Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?