I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Check your privilege
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.